Get Excited

ladies and gentlemen.  i have been neglectful of our completely one-sided relationship.  i have truly missed delving deeply into my life with no real sense of reciprocation.  i'm joking.  for those of you who have not given up on my amazingly outrageous stream of consciousness, thank you.  for those of you who are new, i'm sorry for being exposed to my mind.  actually, i'm not sorry.  and if you read this, don't pretend like you don't when you talk to me.  that's just stalker-ish.

i have returned to milwaukee.  of course, if you're reading this, you probably know me, so the surprise of that announcement was usurped due to the original one that took place more than a month prior to this posting.  it's incredibly difficult to try to explain my thought process or my reasoning behind this decision, so i won't.  i guess all you have to know is that i'm am at relative peace with my decision and am undergoing the careful and tedious job of getting back to someone that isn't preoccupied with the what ifs of life.  sure, you can argue that i should be able to move along upon my merry way, but the sick, sad fact is that i am still finding my bearings.  it's not like i blacked out and found myself in milwaukee, but it is almost like i've moved here for the first time. 

with that said, my heart and mind have finally followed my body in this move.  never really feeling like i left charleston but for only an extended weekend last semester, i now feel as if i've settled here.  that i'm actually living here.  it also helps that i have furniture and am not camping on the floor of my shanty-ass apartment.  but i have to say that if it weren't for a few people i have met, a few people who, either knowingly or not, have left an indelible mark on my life, have not only eased, but made my transition amazingly wonderful.  if they ever read these words, i hope they truly know how much they mean to me.  i also have a better understanding of those who are close to me at home.  those who have been holding me up, keeping my head above water.  i can't say enough of these relationships, whether they be friends or family.  thank you.  sorry for the sappy ass moment.  it just had to be said.

so here i am.  living anew in a place that i hope to be comfortable to call home sooner rather than later.  i'm trying to get back to being me.  back before painful situations dictated who i tried to become.  less accommodation, more assimilation.  i feel it happening.  and i can finally say that i've been genuinely happy for extended periods, rather than just being content in enjoyable situations.  it's slowly becoming mine again.  i'm slowly retaking the happiness that i rightfully deserve.  somewhere along the line i lost the meaning of all that, and that's my fault.  i won't lose it again.  i have a white knuckle grip on what i have retained.  hopefully, i'll never lose it again.

so here's to good times.  to new adventures.  to new hopes.  to new dreams.

cheers,
jay

wow.  that's all i can say about what has happened to me in the past couple months.  there are no words to actually describe the erratic emotional parabola on which my life was following.  lately, it's been hard for me to make some decisions.  mainly, whether to stay here in milwaukee.  i've learned more about myself in the past few weeks than i have in a long time.  maybe nothing i didn't know before, but some things that i had forgotten were thrust into the forefront.  i had a talk with a friend about making mistakes.  i stated that i was relatively jealous of those who are able to make more mistakes than i.  though, i can safely say that i have made my share.  i guess i'm remembering how things were before, wishing i can make it back to that.  and i will.  and i have been.  watch me.  you'll see.

so i'm headed back home to charleston, sc to relax.  i'll have time to really clear my head and hang out with family and friends.  though i already know what they all want me to do.  which would surprise you.  it's about straight down the middle.  half want me to finish up in miwaukee.  half want me to come back home.  i don't really know what to say at this point.  i don't want to say that the opinions of certain people weigh more heavily upon me, but they do.  if the right person would tell me to go or stay, then i would do exactly that.  unfortunately, the isn't really a person that holds that much sway in my life.

i know i have to make this decision soon.  lay off.

still thinking,
jayson

it's been hard lately.  it's been hard being away.  no.  no, it's more than your usual homesickness.  it's more than missing what's familiar.  it's knowing you have to be somewhere, but there isn't a way.  not immediately.  you learn alot about yourself when you're alone.  you learn what's important to you.  your own comfort zone.  you kind of get a clearer picture of how you see yourself.  a clearer picture of your self-image.  some things surprise you.  some things don't.  some things remind you of what you really are, because sometimes it gets lost in the everyday craziness of life.

i have to say that i really do like living in milwaukee.  i wouldn't go as far to say that i see myself here for the longterm, not at all.  but with the people i've met and the variety of places i've been and the overall experience, i am content.  it's sad that i've come to realize this along with my uncertainty concerning my career path.  to my dismay, they terminated the school psychology program here at marquette a few years ago.  i guess that would have been the most convenient way to go about this whole change.  but i'm still trying to figure out what's better for me in the long run.  i guess it's hard for people to understand why i would leave after only being here for a semester.  i wish people were as supportive of my decision to leave as they were when i made the decision to come up here in the first place.  i guess it's a different kind of support.  maybe a bit of that tough love to which i'm not at all receptive.

i have some decisions to make,
jay

it's alright, i haven't stopped.  i know you thought that i did.  but, nay, i have not.  i have to say that my time in milwaukee has been interesting.  if i were to think of words to use:  lonely, fun, confusing, interesting, invigorating, enlightening.  i could keep going, but i feel you get the too-many-emotions-to-count picture.  i definitely have to say that i have met some amazing people up here.  that being said, i am consistently surprised at some.  whether it be because of their point of view, view on life, life story, story telling, it has been interesting to see the different types of people that were attracted to this one, seemingly personality directed profession.  to all of you, a toast.

unfortunately, i may have jumped the gun on my career choice.  i'm not saying that don't want to do child/adolescent counseling.  not at all.  i'm saying that i've come to realize that counseling should only be a part of my influence on a person.  directed almost solely on problem solving, i feel that i can make a larger impact, on a larger scale.  is that aiming high?  not really.  i love counseling and all that is involved, but doing it day in and day out, for five days of the week, wow.  that's intense.  i feel that it should be secondary to what i am to accomplish.  and what would i like to accomplish?  i don't only want to solve one problem.  i want to be an influence in many different facets.  i want to help a younger person's learning, their social adversities.  i want to have an active role in the community.  i want to change schools and the community.  i want to help parents learn to be parents.  i want to help teachers become more effective.  how's that for fighting for social justice?  i enjoy counseling, but i want to have a larger effect.

so what am i going to do?  well, first, i'm going to talk to my academic advisor.  i want to see what a therapist does every day.  depending on that answer, i'm going to weigh my options--the first of them being school psychology.  it's more intensive.  it's a little more schooling.  but it's almost everything i'm looking for.  i know, i know.  some of you are questioning my decision.  but isn't it better to learn what you really want to do earlier?  rather than later?  i was accepted into a school psychology program in the past, i just decided against it because i thought i wanted to do more counseling.  after sitting in these sessions, i couldn't really see myself doing that every single day.  i'll see what i want.  it's a confusing time right now, but there's one thing i'm not confused about--knowing that i can do more than what i'm aiming for right now.  and i don't want to sell myself short.

deep breath, once more,
jay

wow.  it's been more than a month since i've posted.  i apologize for my absence.  it has truly been an eventful several weeks.  during this journal posting hiatus, there have been great strides, new relationships, moving pains, pages to read, people to meet, roads to learn, etc.  shall we begin?  sure thing.

the one enormous change in my life is that it is no longer in charleston.  yes, i finally stopped talking about it and went on with my move to the lovely city of milwuakee, wisconsin.  and i did so with the same fervor as a young man walking into a clinic for an enema.  it was well documented that of my hesitance to move to this seemingly air conditioned city--citing the change of pace, lack of friends, climate, etc. as issues.  but i followed through.  i am enrolled in marquette university and will start classes tomorrow.  yes, tomorrow.  i also have had to read a more than a hundred pages.  classes haven't even started, and i have had to read a novella.  for one class.  i can't imagine how it will be like when everything really starts.  forget hitting the ground running, i didn't fucking hear the gun to start the race.  my apartment is a quaint little cardboard box piece of shit in a nice spot on the east side of the city.  i don't mind.  i'm fully aware of the financial challenges graduate students must overcome.  unfortunately, i am unable to feel at home, for my belongings, bed, couch, cooking supplies, desk--you know, the normal, everyday things you have--aren't with me.  nope.  they are still in charleston.  what am i doing?  i'm camping.  in my own apartment.  i'm fucking camping.  i have an air bed with a sleeping bag.  i have my phone and it's charger.  i have my computer.  and i have two bins of clothes.  that's it.  seriously.  the rents are coming up in a couple weeks to bring the rest.  until then, i'll be roughing it.

i suppose all of you have heard that i have fallen into a relationship as well.  yes, the rumors are true.  she's a sweetheart.  i won't say too much more--the thought of sounding too enamored makes me feel sorry for all of you reading.  but i will say that i am amazingly happy with everything.  well, except for the little fact that we are a thousand miles (seriously, on mapquest, if you type in charleston, sc to milwaukee, wi, it says 1,003 miles.) apart.  yes, yes.  i see worried looks and concerned mutters.  but i assure you, friend, that things are going well.  as cynical as i have become over the past few years, as jaded as i have sounded, i am truly optimistic.  we have a great time, all the time.  we laugh.  we talk.  we watch football (i can't wait for sundays).  there's something about being with someone.  or meeting someone you don't get annoyed or sick of after a couple weeks.  it makes you feel as if there's more to see, melting the crust of cynicism that has covered me for almost as long as i remember.  it's a good feeling.  that, and it helps that she's kind of a looker. 

i think that covers it.  alot has happened, too much to try to catch up on.  i'll try to keep everyone up on what's going on in my life--now that i'm a thousand miles away.  to all my friends back home--i miss you already.  you guys really made life for me fun.  thanks for always being there when i needed you.  i'll be back soon enough.  until then, fucking visit.  love you, guys.

it's 73 degrees out,
jay

realizing that my life will come later in time is difficult.  i'm a patient person.  none of my actions (sober actions.  er, most of my inebriated actions are as well.  most of them.)  are followed through without some sort of analyzation or intensive thought processing.  though i am intent on honoring my decision and follow through with my time in milwaukee, i have this want.  i want to just start now.  i want to start life now.  as in, buying a house.  working that steady job everyone so thoroughly strives to attain.  i kind of want to start worrying about my homelife and my career.  yes, the worries of those that are settled are sometimes amazingly unmanageable in my twenty-four year old eyes, but we all have to start sometime.   it's comforting to know that i only have a couple more years before i can start to immerse myself in my goals for longterm happiness.  but it's just as disheartening to know that it will take those same couple of years to begin.  i guess the price we pay for happiness is the time we spend in relative gloom.  and it's not like this time is even that wretched--it's the knowledge that no matter how good it is right now, it's exponentially better in the years that follow this purgatory in which i'm floating.

sleep is proving to be a challenge in these last days i have in charleston.  although i'm no completely insomniatic, i am not getting that full night of slumber to which i am so thoroughly accustomed.  the days are oscillating between a snail's pace to borderline time warp.  i've just been trying to tell myself that my move isn't permanent, but i think it would be better if i didn't.  it's not like things will be frozen in time when i leave.  people will get better jobs.  a few will wed.  a few will move.  a few will completely fall off the radar.  people change.  and two years is a long time for that to happen.  and i'm not just saying as a person.  we won't party like we do now.  we won't all be living the single life.  there will be those who find someone and fall off.  unfortunately, there are people who i am hoping stay the same, but know in my heart that their situation will be completely different when i come back.  because even though someone isn't there, even if you can't touch or feel or see them, you can never really forget them, or stop them from wandering into your thoughts as you walk to class.  i guess i wish that i could keep everyone in a sort of suspended animation--so at least i can stay in their lives, as much as they are in mine.

that sounds completely selfish.  and it is.  but i suppose that i'm really worried about forgetting.  on both sides.  i'm worried about forgetting about everyone i know.  i'm worried about people just moving on.  or them thinking that i've completely moved along.  i guess what i'm trying to say is that even though my physical move is a definite, my thoughts and my heart are still in charleston.  i'll just have to tough it out and hope upon hopes that when i do come back, there's enough here that's familiar for me to cling to once more--just as tightly as i am for these last few days.

man, that was heavy,
jay

hello friends.  it's been a little while since i've updated.  i apologize for my neglect.  though, to be fair, nothing has really been going on.  nothing really you need to know.  other than the fact that, you guessed it, my move is less than a month away.  i suppose i've come to grips with what i have to do and what it pertains.  so with hesitant excitement and an open mind, i'm trying to transition from this i-am-about-to-leave state to an i-am-pretty-much-gone one.  it's alright.  it's only two years.  seriously.  the phd can wait until i'm completely sure that's what i want.  the last thing i want to do is get stuck in over my head.  one step at a time.  that's how i should look at things.

so bring it.  i've come to grips with the departure.  but i've also come to the realization that my wanting to move wasn't really a want at all, but a necessity.  although i will find the experience invaluable, i'm looking forward to that day when i can finally think 'i'm glad i did that'.  knowing i made a decision based on what i need rather than what i want is surprising.  not that i wouldn't make the proper choices.  or that i haven't made the right ones.  but i'm sure that i won't regret leaving and bettering myself.  if i have the chance to make myself better for whoever is with me in the future, i'll take it.  i'd rather get it right the first time than wonder if i made the right choice.  and that's all that matters. 

steadfast,
jayson

i'm leaving charleston in about a month.  holy shit.

do it.  go ahead.  just go on and do it.  there's nothing going on, there isn't anything that should be holding you back.  you want it.  you need it.  but you just can't fucking go to sleep.  it's ri-damn-diculous.  i'm sure many of us go through phases of restlessness, but this faux narcoleptic issue i am having is truly disrupting my days.  it leaves me exhausted.  and it's not like i'm even remotely productive when i am doing something--i kind of robotically, instictively go about my business.  my attention span is limited and i have a hard time focusing on any sort of problematic situation i may sleepwalk into.  seems as if the situations in life are in suspended animation.  though i know they aren't, i feel like i've done nothing to influence the outcome of said situations.  rather, i'm like a bystander watching helplessly as events transpire before my eyes.

to my dismay, the past few days have been amazingly normal.  well, as normal as it can be for a young man in his twenties with a sleeping disorder.  dispite my lack of rem, i would wake early, make a pot of coffee, eat breakfast.  (the fact that i get only a couple hours of sleep makes this even more unbelievable)  i get things done.  i go out, but i don't stay until close.  ri-effing-diculous.  mayhaps things are changing.  whether i'll allow this change to occur is covered in a past entry, so i won't waste my time.  i'm a big fan of going with the flow.  i don't rush things.  i don't force the round peg in the square hole.  you can say that this sort of mindset is lazy, uninspired.  honestly, i'm not too sure i would argue with you.  in fact, i would rather say that i'm aggressive and the like, but if i were to do so, i'd be lying.  i'm aggressive with certain parts of my life.  career and scholastic choices in particular.  everything else plays second chair--unfortunately.  

although i'm worried about the enormous, looming shadows on the horizon, i find solace in the little things that get me through the day.  the things that make you smile for a moment, but stay with you almost indefinitely.  fortunately, these pleasant happenings occur rather frequently, without coersive tactics.  although i feel as if those, life-altering moments should be happening to me, i'm alright with them being absent.  i guess things wouldn't be life-altering if they weren't few and far between.  and i'm ok with that.  wait, does it sound like i'm trying to convince myself?  it probably does.  and i probably am.  but i guess if i am to find any sort of happiness, it'll have to come in small bursts, contrary to what i have expressed i wanted.  sure, i would like to have finished school by now--but i haven't.  i wish i can buy a house--but i can't.  i can wish this that and the other--but i know that it's not time.  so uncovering smiles in the summer thunderstorms or in a day at the beach or a night out with friends--that's how i'll spend my time.

do you know what i want?  i want to take another roadtrip.  yes.  there are two roads i want to conquer in the next few years.  route 66 and pacific coast highway 101.  route 66 runs from chicago to san diego.  how fantastic would it be to drive this legendary highway?  seriously.  now that i know what to expect on an extended roadtrip, i'm sure that this time would be even more spectacular.  given the fact that this route has been taken by thousands of peole looking for a good time, i'm sure we'd be able to wiggle pocketfulls of good times out of it.  the pacific coast highway sounds equally as amazing.  driving from southern california to the beautifully green states of oregon and washington would be unreal.  and the views of the pacific, breathtaking.  shoot.  maybe we can take both in one uber-roadtrip.  the roadtrip to end 97.3% of all roadtrips. 

faking being awake,
jayson

with cautious excitement, i have to say that i am looking forward to this move to milwaukee.  as hesitant as i am, i feel like the only way to look at this situation is positively--but this excitement is closely accompanied by worry and doubt, it's sad bastard siblings.  it's said that there can't be highs without lows.  and there can't be good without bad.  and there can't be happy without some sad.  (didn't mean to rhyme.  i hate inadvertant rhyming.)  i guess i've been in the gray for several years.  no illuminous white highs.  no disorienting black lows.  just grey.  i'm not saying that this move will facilitate an amazing spike in smiles and laughs, nor am i saying that depressive moments will engulf my days, but i guess i'm ready for either to rock my world.  whether i'll let it happen is a different story.  welcoming anything from either spectric extreme is questionable.  it's been forever since i hopped that proverbial fence.  mayhaps it'll take time.  it's hard to see the good in the blindingly brilliant whites and the sadness that is hidden in the deepest blacks when you're eyes are adjusted to the easygoing grey.  my eyes just need time.

i'm nervous.  not about the move, i know that's all i've been able to write about.  i mean, what's not to be nervous about?  grad school.  in a new city.  completely out of my element.  but i digress.  i'm nervous about this last month in charleston.  what's going to happen?  i just want to enjoy myself with the people that make my time here worthwhile.  i want to be able to look back and say only good things--which i'm sure will happen.  my sole purpose of this month is for it not to end on a sour note.  but there is the distinct possibility that i will fall either in love with my time remaining or have a violent falling out--complete with the throwing of potted plants, name calling, door slamming, threats of divorce.  all of this would either follow with the bliss of a perfect match or the awkward, passive-aggressive, lack-of-eye-contact-type of relationship that ends several months later than it should have.  respectively.  wait, i'm talking about the move again.  damnit, i just can't effing stop.

let me quit now and start again later,
jay

ok ok ok.  the last few entries have been completely self-deprecating.  quasi-jaded.  completely cynical.  i know.  what the fuck, right?  this whole situation, since it's inception, has been killing my cognitions.  destroying my everyday thoughts as a puppy would a brand new chew toy.  it's not like it was an easy decision to begin with--i toiled with it for months.  seriously.  months.  so what do you do?  obviously, you think rationally about the situation.  what would be better for me and my career?  yep.  fucking leave and go to grad school.  which grad school?  one that will cultivate my interests and foster my intelligence.  hell yes.  fuck yeah for thinking rationally.  unfortunately, the things that people say matter, family, friends, etc., aren't one of those things that fall into the rational argument.  anything and everything that will bring emotion into the mix should automatically be nixed and taken from this intellectual conversation.  right?  absolutely.  too bad everything that means anything has emotion attached.

why are you leaving?  that's probably the easiest question to answer.  definitely the hardest to fully explain.  enough people have asked me the question for me to think twice about leaving.  friends, friends of friends, family, friends of family, co-workers, patients--when crazy people start to question your decisions, there has to be something going on.  i answer with the generic:  for grad school.  seems to get most people off my back.  the the sheer bulk of questions rephrased for the same answer keeps me cognizant of the answer, itself.  eventually, i'm asking the same question in the mirror--but answering in a completely different way.  saying:  i don't know, and the like.  you should stay.  this is a more bold statement that i have also heard.  most of the time i answer the same way as i would with the other question, but sometimes i'm left speechless and without response.  nice.  great way of throwing confidence at a statement aimed to find insecurity.  what can i say?  i can't wait.

hip-hip,
jay